of wives and mistresses, of missing and having enough

will i ever be a wife? i cannot imagine waking up early and making the table for my husband. that is so not me. i cannot imagine cleaning and maintaining a house. i'd rather be tired at work, be filthy rich, and give my reliable cleaning lady a lasting employment. i cannot imagine myself being committed to someone just because things have been fine and bearable so far. it is weird that although i am (still) not the marrying type, i am earnestly hoping for a lifetime partner: someone to grow old with, someone to have kids with, sans the marriage certificate and the promise of lifetime commitment. i cannot promise to love someone for a lifetime, maybe what i can promise is to strive to make myself worthy of love on a daily basis.

will i ever be a mistress? i hope not. gawd.

i miss you, baby. everything reminds me of you. while you are away, i have discovered a little about life, some things i'm not entirely proud of, but things that make me a little stronger anyway. i have a better understanding of some things now, and i have become less judgmental. i have become a little more forgiving, a little more open-minded. i now understand how fettered you were in our relationship because of my sheltered-and-safe attitude, and how you bore to compromise your adventurous streak because of me. it is true that without boldness, we die inside. we have been dying in a way, baby, and it's because of me.

with God's blessings, we are now ahead of another sacrifice. i will be away from you for a while, away to build myself, stop being a baby, and be the successful and accomplished woman you deserve to be with for the rest of your life. i will be the woman and life partner you will be proud of, someone you will grow old learning something with. we will afford traveling the world as we dreamed, go on wanton foodtrips, make our kid's lives comfortable and happy, and make a scholarship foundation under our name. we will build the lavish fishpond you want, construct a cool bar inside our home. our kids will be marvelously intelligent, notably good-looking, and God-fearing. everything will be great, baby. we just have to sacrifice a bit, and hold on to our deep friendship.

and you. stop making fools out of us. don't make this any more difficult. quit.my.life.now.

lost and found

today i think i lost my black nike skirt, my default outfit when i go jogging. i found my favorite book, the prophet, and found out about kokology as well.

today i lost a guy i think i love, and with that i found my peace of mind again.